I keep trying to come up with something structured and weighty and meaningful, for which I have a lot of ideas logged away, but nothing seems to generate enough emotional energy for me to dive that deep. And as joyful as I find writing to be, even when I’m on the hunt for something to spend some significant time with, I need to stop denying that… those posts are a whole lot of work! I’m wearing myself out, and as my family constantly tells me, shaking me by the shoulders, “You need to stop being so serious!” (Ha, now all I can think of is The Dark Knight when I hear that…). Well, it seems that I’m diving into something deep, but it’s not what I intended.
It’s amazing that sometimes the search for new revelation is not necessarily healthy. I haven’t even finished considering the last bit of information I received and I want to stuff myself with something new just for the sake of growing. I remember considering at the beginning of this season of growth whether it was healthy for me to want to just keep moving forward. I told some friends that I was growing in my understanding of the Lord, and I wasn’t going to let anyone slow me down! And I think that’s good–to have a zealous hunger for the Lord, but it can manifest itself in a quiet way as well that propels you forward without exhausting you.
The subject of hunger has been on my mind for numerous reasons lately, one of which is that I was on a fast. This concept of eating is drastically reshaping itself as I’ve reentered “normal” life. It amazes me the kind of power that food can hold over one’s life if allowed, and learning how to healthily reenter into a normal cycle of eating is a tenuous process at best. But, of course, the first experience of reentry is the redemption from a captive, stringent lifestyle and the apparent discovery of this substance called food. Absolutely every detail of every bite explodes upon the taste buds because the body is detoxified, the sinuses are clear, and the palate is cleansed–and you appreciate everything you receive into your mouth as if it were the last morsel of nutrtition you would ever receive again while you also enjoy the hope of being able to eat again in the near future.
There’s a kind of hunger that guzzles because it doesn’t recognize satisfaction and just wants to consume for the initial burst of flavor, and then the kind of hunger that savors with thankfulness and gratefulness in the same way one breaks a fast–confident of more, and satisfied with the present provision. It is just as zealous and just as famished, but there’s intentionality and meaning there as well.
I feel like that is the perspective I need to take, maybe. That, instead of trying to consume all that God is giving me, as though His grace and mercies aren’t abundant, and his presence is fleeting, I should rather take the valuable time to really, really meditate and reflect and mull over the truths He’s giving me, one by one, until they’re all digested properly so my spirit can take full advantage of all the nourishment they afford. We do not live under the Old Covenant where, “word from the Lord was rare in those days…” (1 Samuel 3:1), but rather under the New Covenant in which “…He [Jesus] gives the Spirit without measure” (John 3:34).
I’ve told people, in regards to many different arenas of my life, that I would prefer to do a few things slowly and well than many things minimally and in haste. Well, I didn’t say it nearly as eloquent as that phrase is attempting to be, but I think I need to take a step back and take my own advice.
And that starts with allowing myself to enjoy time that is spent in rest and play; I might take the time to indulge in these things, but in the back of my mind, it’s as though I’m wasting time that should be spent for some more important obligation. But because I don’t live fully in those moments, I don’t have the energy I need to invest in those times when I need to work or worship. It’s kind of like eating too much protein, as unpleasant an image as that might conjure (:D)–things get a little, er, clogged, shall we say! Or, for a much more prudent idea, ha, my old pastor used to say that one is meant to lead a balanced life of work, worship, rest, and play. I never thought that “play” would be a trial for me!
Let’s avoid spiritual indigestion, shall we? Ha!